Identity – La Llorona

"I really appreciate raw, honest performance," I told my therapist, "but I don't want to be the Amazing Crying Woman."

In early 2017 I sought help initially for stage fright, social media addiction and other personal challenges. It was the beginning of a long psychological journey, where I've had to turn towards difficult emotions and overcome fears, so that I can learn to be kind to myself, live by my values and achieve my goals. It's been a big year for crying – the journey continues!

Now that I'm more accepting of my emotions, I often cry when people are kind to me. Or I try to decipher mysterious tears from a hidden place in my psyche. It's still hard cry if I'm in a public place. But it's worth it. My experience of crying alone or in company this year in cafes, streets, trains, planes, at work, at parties, beaches, concerts ... all of this has made me curious about different social and cultural attitudes towards crying.



So when I saw the name 'La Llorona' decorated with bright flowers on the front of a Mexican takeaway, I decided to learn about this legendary weeping woman. In patriarchal stories, where the woman acts in revenge or sacrifice, usually that sacrifice is her children. She survives, suffers and weeps. That is essentially the myth of La Llorona. There are many versions of this Mexican legend. In some versions, La Llorona is a 'bitches be crazy' myth. In other versions, the killing of her own children is seen as brave, or honourable. ⁽¹⁾

I came across similar story in Basque town of Errezil in Spain, dating back to Roman times. Hiding in the mountains, the women saw their village taken by the invaders. They killed their children rather than see them fall into Roman servitude. The story explains the towns name, which means 'kill easily'. The fate of the women themselves is not described, but presumably involved much crying. I see a parallel with the Malinche version of La Llorona, from the bloodthirsty era of Spanish colonisation of Aztec lands. In this version, the crying woman is a portent of the end of the world.

Reading about La Llorona, I had the sudden realisation that I am named after a crying woman. Until recently, I had little curiosity about my name ... I did not like the sound of it, the complexity, the difficulty people had in pronouncing and spelling it. I knew that Deirdre of the Sorrows was a legendary, beautiful princess. Perhaps I was afraid that I would be cursed if I learned her tragic story. But this year, confronting much sadness in my personal life and questioning my identity, I finally googled 'Deirdre.'

The Irish legends have an interesting twist – commonly in these myths, children are not raised by their parents. Deirdre is taken from her parents and raised by a wise woman. Her children in turn are raised by some other noble folk. Just as well, it turns out...

Deirdre's tale is sad because she is a pawn of patriarchy from before she is even born. It is foretold she will be a great beauty, but that her beauty will be a curse. A wicked king decides this baby will be his future consort. With the help of the wise woman, Deirdre does escape the evil king for a few years, to live with her true love and have children. But the couple are tricked into returning to Ireland. Her partner is murdered, and Deirdre suffers a forced marriage to the evil king. Ultimately Deirdre kills herself to escape the king's cruel attempt to give her away to the killer of her love.

----------

Some see crying as weak. Growing up I was taught this post-colonial, macho attitude that disconnected me from myself and others. For men the taboo on crying in many countries is very deep. Boys learn to hide tears and fears. Women in traditionally male-dominated public spaces (e.g.: most workplaces) are subject to the taboo also.⁽³⁾ ‘Man up!’ they say in Australia... even to women. Patriarchy says that it's better to show anger: stronger, more manly.

But the experts tell us nowadays that it's healthy to let tears flow. It's damaging to constantly suppress your natural human emotions. Crying is usually a biological response, like an erection. So it may arise unexpectedly, or it can be coaxed, deliberately elicited. In some cultures, crying or wailing are ritualised. For example, keening was part of traditional Celtic expression and display of respect for the dead. I'm looking forward to exploring such traditions ... maybe time for a revival?



In mainstream Western culture, the expression of sadness or fear through the tears is a role reserved for women. Effectively the crying woman becomes an icon of passive, helpless suffering and survival. Note the contrast with the more active, powerful and dramatic male roles: either bloodthirsty cruelty or brave sacrifice unto death. Jesus dies for us, Mary cries for her son.

Like the Virgin Mary, the mother of Achilles cries for her son, in a dramatic scene in the Iliad. The legendary warriors of ancient Greece cried much more than Hollywood action heroes. Achilles cries for a fallen comrade and his sea goddess mother flies to his side, holds him, cries with him. She amplifies his feelings, bringing literally a 'tide of tears.'⁽⁴⁾ Imagine if the gender roles were reversed? A warrior flying to the side of his crying mother, to cry with her, over the body of a dead woman?

Crying was not always divided along gender lines.

King Arthur cried when Guinevere went away for a few days, and when he couldn't participate in a tournament. In the Bible, kings cried. Jesus wept.⁽²⁾ In Dijon town hall, I visited a 14th century tomb: life-sized effigies Duke and Duchess of Burgundy, robed and crowned on funeral biers, borne by a crowd of 82 crying monks, carved in alabaster.

These iconic images and stories of crying men have not filtered into today's mainstream ideals of masculinity. Maybe this reflects the Anglo branch of brutal colonialism branded as 'civilisation,' that has shaped mainstream culture. The explorers and settlers must have seen alot of sadness and fear on the faces of people colonised, enslaved. Empathy did not suit the agenda of exploitation. In dehumanising others, the oppressors lost some of their own humanity. Isn't this what they call inter-generational trauma? We are all still living with the consequences.

---------------

Stories of suffering and survival surely do reflect feminine experience in warlike, extremely patriarchal societies without birth control. Thankfully that is not my experience. This Deirdre would like to draw a line under the legends of Deirdre and La Llorona: the extreme cruelty, the bloodlust, the sacrifice, the gender stereotypes. I would like to create a new iconography of tears, to express different feelings, different stories. Crying that's not about war, rape or murder.

There are blues when you're lonely for your one and only / Those blues you can never explain

Of course, it's still tough sometimes be a parent (or a human) to this day. Suffering is part of every human life, part of the human condition. But we are bigger than our tears, fears, or sorrows. My inner landscape also includes knowledge, memories, values, beliefs, goals, achievements, interests, curiosity. Not to mention other emotions: anger, lust, joy....

So I will be La Llorona, the Amazing Crying Woman, when I need to cry. This will not be as in Aztec legend, a sign of doom. Tears can express a range or a combination of emotions or sensations: the intensity of love, empathy, beauty, suffering, dance, music, gratitude.

It's time to reclaim our tears, dispel the shame, stand up to the taboos. I will honour emotions in myself and others. If we show our pain, fear and sadness we may transform it into something meaningful or beautiful, funny or joyous... like Frida Kahlo did, or Billie Halliday, or Aloe Blacc. In my iconography of tears can be a kiss or a farewell, a line of poetry or song, a drum beat or musical note. Tears connecting us in common humanity and freedom of expression.

--------
Sources

1) Rejected Princesses: La Llorona
http://www.rejectedprincesses.com/princesses/la-llorona

2) Guilty Feminist ‘Crying' episode (podcast/audio)
http://guiltyfeminist.libsyn.com/24-crying-with-dr-emily-grossman

3) Why Science Needs People Who Cry; Dr Emily Grossman; TEDxUCL (video) https://youtu.be/ZEgqJe2QxAo

4) Homer’s Iliad referenced via The Cosmic Ocean ; Paul K. Chappell

5) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourners_of_Dijon

6) Blues lyrics: Blues My Naughty Sweetie Gives To Me. Words and Music by N. Swanstone, Charles R. McCarron and Carey Morgan. Performed by Bill Edwards

--------
Photos: by Deirdre Molloy
La Llorona (brand) Valencia.
Street art, Calle de Miguel Servet, Madrid.
Crying monk ('Pleurant").

----------------
Further reading: healthy ways to process grief or help a grieving person

Psychology Prof. Pauline Boss:
https://onbeing.org/programs/pauline-boss-the-myth-of-closure/
'Play Episode' and 'Listen in browser' for audio

A chaplain with a simple approach to grief on The Moth
https://overcast.fm/+kyr3JY

Related: Gen X midlife crisis
http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html